Part Nine

There is much tension in the Amanda Ann drawing room tonight.  

 Paul began to yearn for the E! Channel

However, the next day, when Paul went out for a kebab, there came an unannounced visitor:

 "Marjorie, my love " Alistair choked "I can no longer wait.  I have packed your bag, as I cannot live without you!"
Marjorie sighed, and pondered on her failure to seduce her enstranged husband:
"Oh, I suppose you're right.  What am I doing just sitting around on this plastic chair?  And, by the way, I need a bigger suitcase than that!"

Lavinia (who had heard every word) tore in and threw herself at Alistair's feet:
"No!  No!  Alistair is mine!  You cannot take him away from me, Mother! (I hate you)"

Alistair and Marjorie are horrified:
"Lavinia, please!  Tell your mother there was never anything between us!"
But she rushes away tearfully

"Marjorie, my love, please believe me, I have never laid a hand on that sweet girl."
Marjorie knows Alistair to be telling the truth, and agrees to meet him that night outside Superdrug.  
She will tell Paul and Lavinia after supper, perhaps they would both be better off without her, if she was causing that much misery.

So later that evening, Marjorie tearfully drops her bombshell to Paul (and the dog).  Lav being out at a gangfight.

"No", says Paul firmly.
"What?", Marjorie splutters
This was not her ineffectual husband speaking!

"You're not going off with that Quack!"
"How dare you!", Marjorie spluttered.  No-one, but no-one told her what to do - (until now)

"Marjorie", Paul said patiently, "Alistair was a bloody useless country doctor.  I've lost count of how many servants we lost through him!  Two minutes round here, and he'll be struck off faster than you can say Malpractice!  Then what will you do?"

"True love will find a way," she protested sniffily.

"I quite agree, but that love should be used here - in your home, Marjorie.  Where it's needed the most.   You've returned to the nest, don't fly away again.  Stop chasing some dream, Marjorie, make the most of your new home."

"What's more.  We can give love and support to our daughter.  Get her away from those dreadful girls and keep her on the straight and narrow.  With the two of us here for her, she'll come round."

 "And what am I  supposed to do in this dreadful little house?"
"Piano lessons", Paul said, "I've been thinking about this for a while.  You're a bloody awful player, but you know your stuff."  

"Oh, alright.", Marjorie groaned, "but what about poor Alistair?"
"Oh him!  I've sent Mary up to Superdrug to tell him to fuck off!"

"Little did Marjorie know, Lavinia wasn't the only one who had their eyes set on Alistair.  
With his heartbreak, and love of cake, it was inevitable that he and Mary would walk off into the sunset.
She already planning her next pregnancy.
I give it a week."

"And that, as they say, was that.  Or was it?"







That very same night, Mrs Slag announced a visitor:

 

"Then show them in, my good woman.", I said cheerfully, expecting the Police to be bringing Lavinia home again.  Nice chaps they were, but hopefully, it would be their last visit"

"But no...."

 

"Hi.  My name's Ken (from next door).  I'm gay.  Aren't you?"

"My word!  I was struck by a thunderbolt!"

   "So it was like this:  Did I want this....?"

 "Or did I want this....?"

 "Well, there you are.  Just when things are being put to bed - ooh, that was a freudian slip!"

"So now you know all about us.  Tune in for our Christmas Special coming shortly!"

"Goodnight and God Bless"

The End (or is it?)  

Part Six

Marjorie was brought round from her fainting fit, and faces her old love:

 "Oh Alistair", she breathes, "Why have you come?"

 "I have never gotten over you, Marjorie (from the old days)"
"I've not stopped searching for you."
"But what about your country surgery?"
"I've given that all up.  I'm now a GP in London!"

"Whatever for?", Majorie asks 
"Because of YOU, Marjorie.  I thought we had the Real Thing - and then you go off to Italy with that young boy!"
"Ah yes", Marjorie says dreamily, "oh I mean...I didnt' want to.."
"I urge you to marry me, Marjorie.  Leave Plastic Paul to his multi-adoptees, and come with me for a better life!  I will await your answer, my darling"

As Paul goes to leave...

"Why!  Young Lavinia!  How you've grown up!"


Lav runs to her room, in shock at confronting her childhood crush. 
"I still love him," she cries, "I still love Alistair!
Mama can't have him!  She can't!"

Meanwhile Marjorie reflects, and embarks on a plan to test her true feelings.

She devises a cunning plan to seduce Paul, and find out where her true feelings lay:

 They start with a romantic meal

She then plays him the most sensual of her recitals.
Paul sits there reflectively:  he knows where all this is going.  What was it about bloody women, why did they always want to seduce him?
And it didn't stop there either: It was "darling, I must buy this.." or "Master Paul, I fear I am with child..."
 

"Oooh, I say!"
 

Despite Paul actually getting into his own bed for the first time in months, it was not a happy occasion:

"For Gods sake, Marjorie!  Uncross your legs!"
 

"It used to be THIS big!", Paul explains

Majorie is not listening.  She fears it has to be Alistair she chooses

 Next installment, Marjorie makes her ultimate choice - or does she?  Meanwhile, Paul gets a revelation himself. 

Life with the Amanda Ann Family part Five

There is a knock, and Mary lets in a new neighbour:

 "Tell your mistress that my name is Sindy Doll, and that I'm a really competitive mother.  At once, servant!"

"Fuck off!", Mary replies

However, Mary dutifully informs her mistress (who is at home to callers) of her visitor:

"Then show her in, you dozy cow!"
(There is much friction between them)

 "Have some fucking tea", says Mary

 "By the way, I'm also a nymphomaniac, and I swing both ways."
"Oh I say!," Marjorie exclaims, thinking of the wild chandelier swinging parties of her old days.

But it did not work out that way:

 "You're not really into this, are you?", Sindy Doll ventures.
"Not anymore, it seems", said Marjorie, embarassed.  
"Why don't you, and your old man, join our PTA.
We finish the meetings by nine, then we're all in bed, if you receive my meaning!"

 Later, Marjorie reflected that life in Twickenham might not be so bad after all.  

 However, over dinner, Majorie decided not to share this with Paul, and would no longer be at home to that common Doll woman.  

However, the next day, Mary informed Marjorie once again of a visitor:

 "I told you, Mary, that I was Not At Home to that woman!"
"Oh no," Mary said darkly, almost knowingly, "It's not HER!"

The visitor walked in:
"Alistair!  After all this time!"
Marjorie swooned.

Next installment - Alistair declares his intentions, Majorie is in a turmoil, and Paul does sod-all.

Don't miss part six - same time, same channel.

Life with the Amanda Ann Family Part Four

During the past few months, Lavinia had grown up a lot.  

However, she did not know what to do with this baby thing, so she went down to Mary, to ask the young mother's advice:

"I say, Mary, what does one do with an illegitimate brat?"
"Why!  Give them cake, miss Lav!"
said the maid cheerfully.
Lavinia thought it best to go to the local baby clinic.  

 On the other hand, better just to leave it there with Mary, she'll never notice.

 Like Marjorie, Lav was in no doubt that Mary's children were her half-siblings
- or were they?  Lavinia smelt a rat!

 Meanwhile, Marjorie was taking being a grandma very badly indeed

By sheer chance, Lav popped down to the kitchen once again.  Only to be met with an unwelcome encounter...

 "'ere Mary, give us twenty.... oh hello Posh Piece!"
"Melvin!  You bastard!" , Lav cried.

 Melvin (over a few beers), puts heartbroken Lavinia in the picture.
"Look, it was good and all that.  And your plummy voice really got me going, but Mary's me bird and mother to me kids!"

Lav runs back to the kitchen.  
"Mary!  You little mare!  I knew they weren't Daddy's children!"

Mary goes pale

Lavinia runs to her father in the drawing-room 

 "Papa!  I have something very significant to tell you!"

"Can't it wait, my pet?  The Inbetweeners are nearly on."

She finally captures her father's attention, and tells him of her discovery in the kitchen.
"Don't you see, Papa?  Those awful brats are not yours.  You don't have to include them in your will and everything"

Paul sighed: "Look, Lavinia, I knew full well they were not mine.  Especially as Mary gave birth to them only six months after our - erm - union"

"And the real truth is, my sweet, that I have grown rather fond of the little blighters.  So I'm having Melvin arrested, and the children adopted into the family."

"And as far as the will is concerned, my pet, there is sod-all to leave anyone.  Except this house, and the plastic furniture.  Which, quite frankly, is far more comfortable than that draughty shit-hole country estate you were raised on."

"Now, if you'll excuse me, Deal or No Deal is about to start!"

"Ratscocks!"