That night, while our household slept fitfully, there was a menacing shadow across our happy home.
Mary, aroused from her sick bed, began to fear the worst. Cold and alone, (Alistair tactfully moving out), she bravely crept up to our sleeping chamber:
"Master Paul! I beg you to wake!"
"Now Mary", I said groggily, "We don't really do that sort of thing anymore. I mean, I'm sorry about Alistair tearing off with that blonde girl but..."
"No! Sir! I fear there is an intruder!"
"Oh Thank God for that! I thought that me and you...."
"Please Sir! I urge you to do something..."
I sent Mary out to the Police station while I worked on my new act.
Marjorie had gone to the bathroom when suddenly....
the intruder enters (Ken from next door):
"He's mine, you know! He's not yours!"
 |
| Marjorie screams | | | | | | | | | | | |
"You can have him! Now just
Fuck off!"
"But you tried to take him away
from me - Bitch!"
Marjorie quaked with terror. There was no reasoning with this madman.
He raised his spatula
menacingly. Marjorie
truly thought her number was up.
Only it wasn't:
I burst in just at the right time, and managed to overpower the tiresome bugger! (You didn't really think I'd be working on my act, did you?).
Soon he was led away by a law-abiding caped crusader :
"Bah!", Ken spat menacingly, "I would have got away with it too! If it hadn't been for that pesky Paul!"
Once the nightmare was over, I said to my wife:
"You see, Marjorie, things could be so much worse."
"Yes, Paul", she sighed.
We wouldn't be getting any more sleep that night.
Does Marjorie really think things could be so much worse? Or is she just keeping up appearances?
Don't miss Episode Seven, same time, same channel
Sadly, Mary's worst fears were
confirmed, and she was confined to bed
And so, not only did Alistair have to diagnose Mary and break the sad news to her,
he also had to explain about his hasty engagement with the fresh, young, one-armed milkmaiden downstairs in Mary's kitchen!
One that he didn't even have to marry! That part Mary found hardest to understand. But she lay there, listless and dry-eyed.
Mrs Slagg (Mary's true mother), took a much dimmer view of the situation:
"You've got six kids! What did you want another one for? It's time you stopped trying to force men's hands! Your true love will come along soon enough!"
"Bollocks, you old bag!", thought Mary, but said nothing.
So that was two bloody women bedridden in this house. But Marjorie's self-inflicted confinment had to end. Half term was drawing to a close and there would be paying students at the door for piano lessons.
The trouble with Marjorie is that she still hankers for the bright lights:
And her former smart friends:
But if Marjorie really used her head, she could acknowledge that those days were behind her, and she could rule this town:
Twickenham could be Her's, if she wanted it.
Especially with the Chair of the PTA being run out of town.
Sadly, although I share the marital bed these days, our physical relationship is as frigid as ever.
Sometimes, at dawn, I long for Ken.
However, that night, there is an intruder:
Are the Amanda Ann Family in real danger this time? What will their fate be?
Tune in same time, same channel for the gripping Episode Six! Don't touch that dial!
Needless to say, Lavinia turned up her nose at Lord Posh's proposal. She had no desire to go childrearing in some draughty estate in the middle of nowhere.
The old boy took it right on the chin, being a decent sort and that. But despite his gusto, I could see his loneliness, so I invited him to drop round anytime. Quite liked him in a way. His principles stopping him dead at taking another man's wife.
Something Marjorie found hard to take. Hence her staying in bed for three days.
But I had bigger fish to fry:
I had the very unpleasant task of terminating my illicit relationship with Gay Ken next door:
There were tears and pleadings but I kept to my guns that I wanted to make my marriage work. The truth was he was becoming too intense. And my agent advised me to give Ken the old "heave-ho"
The meeting did not end well.
"If you won't be mine, you won't be anyone's!"
He flounced out menacingly.
Well, sod him.
Meanwhile, below stairs, Alastair was having a busy time at the surgery, when Lord Posh entered the room. (Him being accustomed to wander round other people's homes at will).
"Bally hell!" Lord Posh exclaimed, "You look a damn fine vet! I need someone over at my estate, bloody sheep dropping like flies! Fancy a couple of days a week in Berkshire? Rolls pick you up and all that sort of thing!"
Alastair agreed readily.
"And by the way, wondered if you wanted to take on this young filly I brought with me as a wedding present. Damned girl turned me down, what!"
He laughed, despite himself.
Alastair looked at the lovely young girl, and was struck dumb. Never had a thunderbolt hit him so hard. It made his infactuation with Marjorie, his opportunism with Lavinia, and his sordid hasty union with Mary pale into significance. This was real love. Love at first sight, he had only ever heard about this phenonemon.
"Damn girl lost her arm in a tragic milking accident! Made her blasted barren too!"
"Will send the car round tomorrow! Bright and early!"
With that, he flounced out to Soho, nursing his broken heart.
Intense and hungry, and emotions flying everywhere, he grabbed this pretty maid, desperate to touch her, kiss her, love her.
But she pulled away from his grasp:
"Now, Master Alastair, sir, you are too fast!", the young girl chided him. "I am not that sort of girl. Why do you think Lord Posh gave me the old chuck? The man that takes me to bed is the man who puts a ring on my finger!"
"Oh yes, my sweet maid, yes! I will be that man! Marry me, please!"
"You do know, Sir, that I am unable to give you a child. The milking incident robbed me of this natural function"
"Thank God for that!" Alastair exclaimed. He had had enough of Mary's kids to last him a lifetime, and puppies and kittens were so much cuter.
He couldn't believe his luck.
Meanwhile, Mary feels faint and unwell in the bathroom:
Could this be nature being such a cruel mistress? Will the two things that mean so much to her be snatched away so brutally?
Or will Mary keep her (seventh) child?
Tune in same time, same channel for Episode Five. Don't touch that dial!
