The Amanda Ann Family Show Christmas Special

Part Two:

"Oh, my love", I exclaim, "You absolutely cannot do that!  All those rough and half-naked pirates!"

"And your point is...",
Marjorie grins

I did the best I could:

"No, my wife!  I forbid it!"

"Well really!  One doesn't expect such bad language from a Lady!

Anyway, the cow's gone overseas, and here one is, a single parent on Christmas Day.  No mater figure for these poor mites."

"Where the fuck's Christmas dinner?",
My delicate Lavinia pipes up.

"Where indeed?"

 "It appears Marigold has gone into labour, and Mrs Slagg is assisting with the water birth"

Eventually, Mrs Slagg enters the dining room:

"The fucking turkey's ruined, Sir, but you have a baby boy"

I am overcome:
"This is the best present of all.  God Bless Everyone!"

"That's not a bloody turkey!"
Lavinia exclaims.
"Nit - I mean, Alfie.  One had better telephone Pizza Hut!"

"Lord Posh enters;
with Marjorie?!"

"Congratulations, old thing!  Brought your bally wife back!  Crying by the docks, she was!"



"Oh Paul," Marjorie explained tearfully, 
"He abandoned me once he found I had no fortune of my own!"

"Come, Marjorie", I said gently, "Let us sit round this wondrous infant, and wish everyone a Merry Christmas"
(Before the pizza delivery).

Happy Christmas from the Amanda Ann's.  

The Amanda Ann Family Show Christmas Special

Part One:

"What ho!  Merry Yuletide and all that.  

One is temporarily re-housed due to our latest nit infestation.  

However, there are infestations that one had to take with us:

Marigold, the temporary servant, who is growing big with my child

And Marjorie has taken up with Marigold's ghastly husband.  A sea faring chap whose ship never seems to sail!  

So I put it to old Marje when we were finally alone.

"Do we really have to have him here at fucking Christmas, my love?"




"I mean I've got my demons too.  But the mother of my child will be in the kitchen making Christmas dinner"

While Mary is in an open prison for credit card fraud, Marigold has extended her stay.

Mrs Slagg has sent her several cakes


"Oh no, Paul!" Marjorie replied, "Neither of us will be here at Christmas."

"You see, Paul, the Captain and I are running away to sea!"

"Whaat???"

Will Marjorie really abandon her dysfunctional family for a life at sea?  Will Captain Haddock really satisfy the needs of a woman like Marjorie?  
Or is this all a red herring?  (Geddit?)  

Tune in, same time, same channel for Part Two !!!

The Amanda Ann Family Show Summer Special 2015

What ho, everyone!  Jolly good summer holiday? Me too.  Marjorie in St Tropez, and me on old home ground.   This is the best holiday we've ever had!

What with Mary on maternity leave (I know, I know!), we've got a super new filly to help out in the meantime

This is Marigold.

Super company, pleasant cup of tea and jolly civilised company.  We have a morning chat about her kids at university, that sort of thing...

Mr Slagg, I mean Father is also very pleased with her.  He says she's a right little darlin', and tries not to look up her skirt!  

Sadly, Mrs Slagg is not of the same opinion:

She can see that Mary cannot hold a candle next to Marigold's breezy and pleasant ways.  




Sadly, things go wrong very quickly:

Marigold's staying late one night to do the dusting, and well, I start pouring the old wine and offering her a fag and then....

the cold light of day wakes us up to our shame....

Marigold, deeply embarrassed, swears this will never happen again.  We would never mention it.  

Then bloody Mrs Slagg started ....

It was relentless.  Mrs Slagg finding all sorts of our valuables in Marigold's bag.  Marigold sobbing, no idea how they got there...

"I forgive you, Marigold", I say.  

That would flummox that valuable-planting old bag!!   I decide to nip all this in the bud, and I tackle Mrs Slagg head on!

I mentioned all sorts of things, such as retirement and being laid off.  This sort of trouble would be too much for her..etc.  Mrs Slagg soon buttoned up.

So everything was pretty much tickety boo, until....

Marigold walks in one day, pale and wan:
"Sir, Mr Amanda Ann..Paul...

We are with child."

"Whaaattt?!"

The Amanda Ann Family Show part Three and a half

Due to technical problems, such as Mary breaking the washing machine, and legal battles, such as Paul claiming damages for his hand operation, we have had to postpone the Amanda Ann's saga for a while.  

However, be assured there will be a Slaggs episode coming up to compensate.  (One I made earlier).  

Many thanks.  Please touch that dial.  

Part Two.......

Our Hero, Plastic Paul, a prime suspect for Daphne's murder.  Surely not???  Read on....

"Now look, Officer, there are things that you should know"

The young constable sighed inwardly:

That's what they all say, these murderers.  It was going to be a long night

"You see, my wife's cousin and I had a complicated relationship"

"In fact, it was brutal and twisted.  And one dreadful night when we were alone in the house.... 

She took me roughly and sordidly across my marital bed."

"I can still hear her coarse laughter as I lay there, bruised and sobbing"







"However, our very sordid union did produce a beautiful son, whom Daphne very recently handed over to me"

"So you see, Officer, I couldn't ever have killed his mother.  I couldn't do that to the boy."

The Constable began to scratch his head:
"Maybe not, Sir, but your wife could.."

"Oh no!!!!"         

Our Marjorie, a murderer?  Surely not??
Not with all that Gin....?

Tune in, same time, same channel

Don't touch that dial!!! 

The Amanda Ann Family Film Noir

Part One:

"Oh no!!!  Daphne!!!"

"Oh my Good God!  Who could have done such a terrible thing?!"

Our Hero exclaims, upon discovering the body:

"We must act quickly, Marjorie! .... Ummm Marjorie..?"







"Hic!"  The elegant Lady of the House replied:

Paul turned to his cherished daughter, Lavinia:

"For Gods sake, Lavinia!  Phone the Police - now!!"

"Oh for fuck's sake!", 
his young daughter yawned, 
"Can't I just Skype them?"








Eventually, Lavinia pulled her finger out and PC Dixon was round in hours:

Paul, trying not to notice the young constable's biceps under that stiff uniform,
greeted their saviour cordially.

"'ello, 'ello, 'ello.  What goes on 'ere then, sir?", the young gun demanded.

"Well, officer, we entered the drawing room for a fag, and there was my wife's cousin on the floor, dead as a dodo! Isn't that right, Marjorie?"

"The bitch had it coming", his wife of many (bitter) years slurred...

"For Gods sake, Marjorie!", our hero spluttered, then laughed nervously:

"Of course," Paul covers up very quickly, "The murderer must obviously be Basil (the bastard).  

He felt hemmed in by Daphne, his grasping and needy lover.  It was the only way out."

"We'll be the judge of that, Sir.  Although, in fact, it's you we want to talk to."

"What???  No!!!!"

Our Plastic Paul, a murderer??  Surely not??
Even if she did get on his tits something rotten?!

Tune in, same time, same channel for the next gripping instalment!!

Don't touch that dial!!!