Series Three of The Amanda Ann Family Show

 It seems one now has a bath - and lighting, such as it is

I can't see the Devil of the point of the thing:

  

 And as for that shower chappie over there.  

 It seems old Lav is the only one who can get in there

 Marjorie finally agreed to the sitting room cum parlour be moved to the ground floor.  
Meaning our bedroom relocating to it's rightful place, instead of being stuck up in that attic

 Poor Mary is intimidated by our state-of-the-art Aga.  £800 that cost, and she won't go near the thing

 
In fact, Mary's baffled by her new kitchen altogether!

 She yearns for the dodgy gas oven and ramshackle cupboards of our old dwelling.  

And now, the cracks are really beginning to show:

 Quite literally.  I mean look at this am-dram workmanship!

But there are other things too.  I mean, Marjorie's horrified that we have the dining table in the parlour (until we get the conservatory).  But I seem to be the only one that eats at it!

  And even then, it's only fucking cake!

 Marjorie has her meals brought up to her (in a glass)

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 And although Lavinia uses the excuse that she is between eating disorders at present:

 I know full well she sneaks out at night and get bloody burger and chips!

 The greedy little mare!     She could offer me some!

That's when she's not hours on the telephone to that wretched I've-swallowed-a-bible boyfriend (who I now don't like!)

 And Marjorie, who relocated her music room up in the attic, has got to stop necking bottles and think about getting some new pupils in!  Holidays are ending soon!

Am I the only one pulling my weight around this house?  

I'm sorry to sound so seedy today, but I've stopped watching television and having relations with blokes next door.  I work my arse off doing Stand-up in poxy Sydenham Green or wherever!  You'd just think I'd get a bit of support!!!

  
" I'm off up the pub!  Last one to get a round in is a poof!  Whoops!"



Is Plastic Paul having a meltdown?  
(Get it?  Plastic?  Melt?  Oh please yourselves!)  Will he get in the last round?  


Tune in.  Same time.  Same channel!
    
for indepth interviews with the stars of Amanda Ann - click here 

The Amanda Ann Family Spring Special

One has moved house:

Lord Posh managing to wangle some money from our lost country estate and all that.
 

 Unfortunately, Marjorie finds the house so common, she won't even sit in the room. 

I actually wanted this room to be our bedroom.  Hence the pink.  A kind of a love palace, if you will.  Me not being gay and everything...


But the awkward mare wanted it as a first floor sitting room.  Sigh!

Also making the original lounge into a cold and loveless room.  A bit like our new bedroom in the attic actually......

I also tried to put it over to Marjorie that Mary would have a devil of a struggle getting her gin up the stairs.....  

 The poor girl is already grappling with the new state-of-the-art kitchen.  That reminds me, I must sort out some sleeping quarters for Mary...

Lavinia also does not take kindly to her new abode:

 But, on our first night, once I'd finally persuaded Marjorie to climb the weary stairs....

 There was someone in our bed. And Lavinia became our little girl again...

 So Marjorie made her bed for the night in our Daughter's room

 And I tried to get forty winks on an old chaise lounge - bit like old times really......

 

The truth is, we've never really had a proper house before.....  it's all been shelves and hard bases, even in our sixties heyday.  Stuck in a kid's conservatory.  

 And I really wonder whether we've done the right thing!  

Series Three happening very soon.  Don't touch that dial.......

PART EIGHT

Sadly, the trauma of Ken's insensitive intrusion, and Lord Posh's knockback meant Marjorie moving out of the family home:

 Lord Posh offered her his pied-a-terre in London.  Great location, if somewhat bijou.

 Begged her not to go, natch.  But Marjorie was determined.

  I know there are things in life called fresh starts, and sham marriages, but you have to understand how it is with my wife and I.

We belong together, you see.  We always did.  From infanthood, we were betrothed by our neighbouring family estates:

And then there was the birth of our beautiful daughter:

  
We're a part of each other.

Luckily, Marjorie found her old crowd dull and shallow and er- old.

And so, she returned to the Fold.  I awoke to find Marjorie watching breakfast television, back where she belonged.

 Jolly good timing too.  It was nice for Marjorie see her daughter really buckling down and studying (without supervision), (and the tag). 

Even got herself a new boyfriend.  Decent chap, from the local vicar college.

 Very upright young man. Impeccably mannered, and full of bible quotes, that sort of thing.

And according to Mary's and Mrs Slagg's gossip, Lavinia, blinded by love, offered herself to him.

 But being a pious sort of a bloke, he held off, claiming that he wanted to wait for the sanctity of their wedding night. Then they could go at it like the clappers!

He didn't even mind about our illegitimate grandchild.  He merely pronounced that Lavinia had been sinned against.  

However, just when we thought Lavinia would make a good marriage after all, I noticed something amiss after supper one night:

  If he was such a Man of God, why was he looking at my wife's legs?

 Sadly, that is all we've got time for this series.

You'll have to tune in at a later date to find out if that really was a bible Lavinia's boyfriend held.
Or if Marjorie and he are tempted by forbidden fruit.  Or am I?

Tune in, same time, same channel - er- very soon.  

Thank you and Goodnight. 


For more fun, click this link to the Amanda Ann homepage! Interviews with the stars, problem pages etc.....

EPISODE SEVEN

Meanwhile, Lavinia did not take Alistair's ill-timed flight very well....

 "Goodbye, Cruel World!", she sobs

Fortunately, Mary made a timely entry:

 "Oh Miss Lav!  Please don't!  Get up at once!  He's not worth it!  Besides, that thing hasn't been connected for years!"

Lavinia, despite her sleepy state, acknowledged that that was why the maid's cakes were so dodgy!  

   The two young women took solace in each other's loss, and wept:

"What about his promise to me, Miss Lav?!"

Then Mary realised there never was one, bringing fresh tears.


As a goodwill gesture, Alistair and the young maid had Mary's kids as bridesmaids and guests included Mrs Slagg and myself.  The remaining women of the house staying tactfully away.  

 
Then it was back to their charming, if somewhat bijou, studio in Lord Posh's grounds.  We sort of couldn't fit in for drinkies, so we toasted them as Alistair carried his beautiful young virginal (but not for long) bride over the threshold.  He was eager to get to bed anyway.  

 Mary, now fully recovered and lost of an evening, did a bit of moonlighting at Lord Posh's gaff one night a week.  

 
 Inevitably, once the last guest had been shown out, Mary ended up on the long dining table with the host himself.  

 "Oooh, your honour, Sir!", Mary would giggle with delight.

"Hang it all, Mary!", Lord Posh would command, "I told you, when no-one else is present, you can merely address me as "Sir"!"
And Mary sighed contentedly.  
Lord Posh didn't care how many children Mary bore him.  Half of Berkshire was full of his brats born the other side of the duvet.

  She planned her next pregnancy accordingly 
   














On a non-Mary night, Lord Posh and I would spend many an evening together, us becoming chums of sorts.  And one night, I took him along to a gig I was doing in Weighbridge.

 My!  They were a rough crowd!

After the show, I introduced old Posh to my agent (and his twin brother)

 
Both of them signing him up immediately!

 They've started him off in small gigs, but he's got a long way to go yet....

They told him to just be himself - like they did Me actually!

 "Oooh, I say!  Just look at that bouncer!!"

"No, I'm not gay.  I'm really 
not!!!"































Will Paul continue to live a lie?  Will he carry on in his sham of a marriage?  Will he ever get on "Mock The Week"?

Tune in, same time, same channel for the concluding episode Eight (of Series Two)

Don't touch that dial!!