PART SIX

"Good God!  Davina!  How could you?!", Marjorie gasped:

"Basil and I are in love, Marjorie", Davina announced.  "You may have been a plaything to him, but I'm certainly not!  - isn't that right, Basil?!"

"zzzzzz...", her lover replied.

 So it was a grim old affair when Davina packed her case, and came to sneer Goodbye - the room full of quiet tension.

"Come along, Alfie.  Get dressed!", she commanded her confused, but nit-ridden, son.

Lavinia appeared in an instant:  

"But no!  Alfie is to remain here!"

 There was a stunned silence:

Lavinia appealed to her father, "Papa, Alfie has no home life with aunt Davina.  The least we can do is to offer the boy some security with us...."

"I'm proud of you, Lavinia.", Paul choked, "Yes, we're the boy's only family.  We should help him."

Marjorie said nothing.  Merely reached for the gin.

"Oh, you're so right, Paul!", Davina's eyes gleamed spitefully, "After all, you are his father !"

Our Paul - not seedless after all?!  Will Davina's serious accusations end the Amanda Ann's dodgy marriage?  

Or is the bitch lying - again?

Tune in same time, same channel for the next gripping episode....

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PART FIVE

"You know, you're really asking for trouble", I told Davina, one quiet and dusty afternoon, "Marjorie sees you with Basil (the bastard), she'll have you out on your ear!"

"Then we'll leave together, eh?  Little Cuz!  Once I spill the beans about us !"

"There is no "US", Davina!", I tried to implore her.

But she was getting ready to meet Basil, and my words fell on stony ground.  

Meanwhile, Lavinia encountered a visitor:

 She was not best pleased:






"What are you doing in my room, you horrid boy?!  Bugger off!"
 "Where did you put my ball?", he asked
"Oh - that.  Threw it in the river!  It was rough and common!"

To Lavinia's shock and surprise, Alfie threw himself on her bed in tears.



"What are you crying about, you stupid little oik?  You must have other toys?!"
He shook his head miserably.  The ball was all he had.  His mother never gave him anything.  

Lavinia, her own eyes moistening, lay down with her young cousin, and they talked about how Alfie was dragged across auditions and theatres, never stopping long enough to see a nit doctor. 

But meanwhile, Marjorie finds a very different couple in bed:

Something she'd known about, yet didn't want to know about...

And now she had to.....

This must surely be curtains for Davina now.  Even Marjorie could not tolerate such blatently bad behaviour.  

Tune in same time, same channel to witness Davina's fate....  

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PART FOUR

You see, Davina has become bitter and twisted over the years:

 She has always aimed to be a Star, but time was running out for her.

In the past, she had been a sensation on screen and stage

 And worked with many of the Greats.

 And was a regular starlet on all the iconic Bond films.  She had regularly been seen out with Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton and Daniel Craig.  All in the most smartest restaurants.



But that was then, and this is now, she's resorted to clinging onto the X Factor semi-finals, which she'll never get through in a month of Sundays!

So I'm expecting her to demand carnal and unholy favours, amongst other things, from me.  And this time it has to be a flat No.  I've gone gay anyway!

But to the contrary, Davina would come in from Simon's Boot Camp, and plonk herself down on the sofa.  Not saying a single word.  

 Completely neglecting that poor (nit-ridden) Son of her's.

 Luckily, the Slaggs and Mary gave the boy love and attention.  So did I sometimes (but not getting too close!)

And the trouble didn't take too long to start - in the form of Basil de Farmer.

Especially as his wife had just shown him the door - quite literally.








And him always having the eye for Davina in the old days, it was an accident waiting to happen.
But why did they have to find each other again across a crowded room?  And in front of Marjorie too?

What will happen with the star-crossed lovers?  It can only be evil deeds!

Tune in same time, same channel for the next explosive installment.

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PART THREE

I can't help but be rude to cousin Davina and her nit-ridden son:

"Are you coming to stay, Davina?  Or are you moving in - again?"
"Paul!", Marjorie hissed. 

 Although there was no love lost between her cousin and herself, one must never be rude in polite society.  

In fairness, Davina gave back as good as she got:

 "Still screwing that saggy maid, is he, Marje?", she retorted.

 There was an awkward silence:  
"More cake, Madam?", Mary coughed

"er - yes, please", Marjorie muttered.  

Davina merely laughed with satisfaction:

"Yes, Mary.  You'd better show us to our room, don't you think?"

"Whore", mumbled Mary 





You see, it all started when we were back at the old  place and Marjorie was out at some shindig or other at a neighbouring estate:

As was usual, I was left looking after our little Lavinia. 

And Davina came into the room and took me roughly across the bed:

 It was brutal and loveless, and I felt used and sore.  
But she just laughed:

"Well, little Paul, that wasn't half bad!  Now, any noise out of you, and we'll go running to cousin Marjorie, won't we.  So stop snivelling!"  

 You see, the thing is, despite Marjorie out doing the same sort of thing herself - swinging from a chandelier and all that - if she knew I'd had physical relations with her reviled cousin, our marriage would be over.  She would have thrown me out of our illustrious estate before the baliffs did.  And I would never have seen my darling Lavinia grow up!

 So there you are, you see.  One is up Shit street without a paddle!  The woman can do what she likes with me!  Oh God help me!

Is our hero really flumoxed by this stupid woman?  Surely he's taken on worse than Davina?

Don't miss the next gripping installment, same time, same channel.  Don't touch that dial!!!

PART TWO:

Sadly, Running River proved to be barren.  There would be no heir to succeed the Big Chief.

 Reluctant to replace his plucky young squaw, he looks on Facebook and see's Marjorie's announcement of her first son:

 Big Chief knew the parentage of the half-paleface, and recognised his own son when he saw him.   He resolved to bring him to the reservation that will one day be His.

 

Consequently, Big Chief sent over his trusty second-in-command to the green fields of South West London (on Unijet), to retrieve the Chosen Child.

   

 Paul, upon discovery of the abduction of little Two-Dogs-Screwing (George, for short), became stricken by grief.

Mercifully, Marjorie managed to calm Paul down, and they listened again to the drum message left by the thieving Cherokee:
"Two-Dogs-Screwing go back reservation.  He will be heap big chief.  He no learn airy-fairy ways like paleface kids. Child be safe and happy. Running River say Hi."
 "There you are, dear.  George is well cared for, and we'll visit Nebraska when he turns 30, if you like."

And the subject was closed.  After all, there were bigger fish to fry:

 Evil cousin Davina was coming to stay, along with her nit-ridden son, Alfie.

"How are you, Paul ?", she greeted him with steely and knowing eyes, as well she should:

For they shared a terrible and wicked secret, that no-one must ever know.......

Tune in next week to find out this dreadful secret that only Paul and Davina must know about.




 

THE AMANDA ANN FAMILY SHOW - SERIES FIVE

PART ONE:

 "Hand transplant went very badly, I'm afraid"



















"And apparently, I collapsed in front of the servants:"

"Oooh!  Master Paul!", they cried (hysterically)

 "My Lavinia rang for an ambulance - eventually."









 "And I was ordered complete bed rest..."

 "Marjorie's blue eyes became misty with concern:
'Where is the Will, Paul?  You have made one, haven't you?!'"

 "And then Marjorie stayed away.  Only Mary visited me, and became very worried indeed when I turned delirious."

"Oh Master Paul, I'd better call in the priest"

Crossing herself, she went to fetch the lady of the house:

 "But my wife was too stricken to attend my bedside: 
 'Is the house mine?  How much do I get?', she mumbled to herself."

"

 "My fever grew worse, and Mary never left my side.  She fed me crumbs of cake, willing me to stay alive."

"Then I had the most brilliant idea!  Feeling much better, I asked Mary to marry me!
I would divorce and disinherit Marjorie, and leave all my money to Mary's kids in Borstal!"

 "This news did not go down terribly well with Marjorie and Lavinia....."





"Then everything went strange again.  And this time, I really did come to."

"You silly bugger, Paul!  Whatever were you mumbling about?!  And thanks for not making a will, by the way!"

 "Umm, Mary?", 
I croaked nervously, "We're not engaged or anything, are we?"




Mary looked startled:  "No Sir."

"I can see I'm going to have to keep an eye on you, Paul.", Marjorie said protectively.

"Then the bitch locked me in the spare room!
Welcome back, Readers!"

Is Paul doomed to stay in the dreaded and most unwelcome spare room?  Or will his evil wife let him out?  (When she wants his pin number)

Don't miss the next exciting installment.
Same time, same channel.

Don't touch that dial!!!!