The Amanda Ann Family Show Christmas Special

Christmas is upon us once again, as we enjoy a sumptuous lunch.

It all being a rather quieter affair this year.  Lord Posh popping round later, and The Slaggs away on their honeymoon:

The old fool said "yes" at last.  (Chuckle)
 

Marjorie, naturally, was dissatisfied at her generous array of presents:

 After all the trouble and expense one went to!

And there's Lavinia sneering at her state-of-the-art gifts.  A great asset for this "media" studies course she insists on doing.  

Mary, continually dissatisfied with her Christmas box, simply helped herself to the credit card and got her own. 

Fortunately for her, we turned a "blind eye", what with a severe shortage of staff, and the fact that she only purchased cake mixes.  

The one shining light was that it was nit-boy's - I mean, Alfie's first Christmas with us.  And the first time he has received proper gifts, and not dragged around gin palaces.   It brought me great cheer to see toys in the house again. 

However, despite the opulent cheer, a shadow fell over me.  

Since the "scandal", it is likely that the BBC may axe my show.  Axe me, in fact.  

It was but a mere "slip up", however, word got out.  Thanks to bloody Bella, who was not all she seemed!

Turned out the cow wasn't an Eastern European cleaning cars in Tesco car park.  Nor a part-time scrubber.  She was Bella Banque-Smith from a national daily, sniffing out a story.  



Upon discovery, we turned her over to Mrs   Slagg for a good "leathering".  As a gesture of goodwill, we have sent a Christmas hamper to her in hospital.  

But the damage has been done.  We have been exposed by the media.  I broach this with my dear wife:

"Oh, that's alright, my dear.  As long as we're together as a family.  That's all that counts."

I couldn't believe my beautiful wife's loyal response to returning to poverty after enjoying riches again for such a short time. 

"Really, my love?", I breathed, my heart thumping.





"No!!  You stupid sap! You know me by now, 
 Paul!  Now give me more fucking presents!"

God! That woman could be shallow sometimes!

Now the Christmas party has fallen into slight disarray, we say Merry Christmas from the Amanda-Ann's!

PART EIGHT

At first, it wasn't easy for any of us.  I was so stunned that someone so vile could give me something so precious.
Marjorie was just simply stunned.

Traumatised by the Nit Nurse (who gave him the thumbs up!), Alfie would sob on his bed for hours.

 And I knew the little tyke was secretly skyping his mother!

 Despite Lavinia's encouragement that her half-brother live with us, there was little she could do to welcome him.  What with taking GCSE's and all that - (at least that's what I think she's doing!)

 Natch, Marjorie did very little to help the difficult situation:
"Got rid of one brat, now lumbered with another!  He's not getting a penny you know!"

"Don't mind Marjorie", I assure the boy, "She's soft as shite.  Just don't hide the Gin and you'll be fine."







However, on his ninth birthday, when we bought him a shower, things started to thaw:

"Now I know you really love me!", he squealed excitedly as he started to strip off.

So now there's someone permanently in our spare room.....

 And the damndest thing is, I don't even mind!  

 Well, family complete and all that, I think we're wrapped up for now.  Tune in soon to Paul's Passions where a really juicy scandal shakes the Amanda Ann's to it's bones!

There's also action shortly from our Slaggs!

You may now touch that dial!!!  (But not for long!)

Toodle pip!

PART SEVEN

"But...", spluttered Marjorie, breaking the life-changing silence, "You said he was Louis Walsh's!"

 "Hah!," Davina spat, "And the poor sap fell for it too!  But now I've spent all the hush money, I can stop pretending!"

"Davina!  You are a liar!", I croaked, not daring to look at Marjorie's stricken face.

 "Just take a look at him, Paul baby!"

And oh Good God, yes, a bit fatter maybe, but I saw myself looking back at me.  The spit of when I was his age, miserably enduring boarding school!

"You and my husband begat a child?!", Marjorie rang for more Gin.
"You bet, Marjie.  Good, wasn't it, Paul?"
"No", I replied coldly, "it was sad and joyless, Davina.  However, I'm very glad you kept my child.  And I'd like to offer him a home here (after we've been to the nit nurse)."

 "It's a deal, cuz!  Something to remember me by, huh?"
Then her eyes lost their hardness, and her voice softened:
"Look after my lil boy, okay?  I've had him for nine years, you can have the other nine"
"I will, Davina.", I replied solomnly, my own voice breaking.

Can Paul really make a go of having a natural son?  Will he really learn to love nit boy - I mean, Alfie?  And will Marjorie eventually forgive Paul's indiscretion?  

Tune in same time, same channel.....

Don't touch that dial!!!!

PART SIX

"Good God!  Davina!  How could you?!", Marjorie gasped:

"Basil and I are in love, Marjorie", Davina announced.  "You may have been a plaything to him, but I'm certainly not!  - isn't that right, Basil?!"

"zzzzzz...", her lover replied.

 So it was a grim old affair when Davina packed her case, and came to sneer Goodbye - the room full of quiet tension.

"Come along, Alfie.  Get dressed!", she commanded her confused, but nit-ridden, son.

Lavinia appeared in an instant:  

"But no!  Alfie is to remain here!"

 There was a stunned silence:

Lavinia appealed to her father, "Papa, Alfie has no home life with aunt Davina.  The least we can do is to offer the boy some security with us...."

"I'm proud of you, Lavinia.", Paul choked, "Yes, we're the boy's only family.  We should help him."

Marjorie said nothing.  Merely reached for the gin.

"Oh, you're so right, Paul!", Davina's eyes gleamed spitefully, "After all, you are his father !"

Our Paul - not seedless after all?!  Will Davina's serious accusations end the Amanda Ann's dodgy marriage?  

Or is the bitch lying - again?

Tune in same time, same channel for the next gripping episode....

Don't touch that dial!!!!

PART FIVE

"You know, you're really asking for trouble", I told Davina, one quiet and dusty afternoon, "Marjorie sees you with Basil (the bastard), she'll have you out on your ear!"

"Then we'll leave together, eh?  Little Cuz!  Once I spill the beans about us !"

"There is no "US", Davina!", I tried to implore her.

But she was getting ready to meet Basil, and my words fell on stony ground.  

Meanwhile, Lavinia encountered a visitor:

 She was not best pleased:






"What are you doing in my room, you horrid boy?!  Bugger off!"
 "Where did you put my ball?", he asked
"Oh - that.  Threw it in the river!  It was rough and common!"

To Lavinia's shock and surprise, Alfie threw himself on her bed in tears.



"What are you crying about, you stupid little oik?  You must have other toys?!"
He shook his head miserably.  The ball was all he had.  His mother never gave him anything.  

Lavinia, her own eyes moistening, lay down with her young cousin, and they talked about how Alfie was dragged across auditions and theatres, never stopping long enough to see a nit doctor. 

But meanwhile, Marjorie finds a very different couple in bed:

Something she'd known about, yet didn't want to know about...

And now she had to.....

This must surely be curtains for Davina now.  Even Marjorie could not tolerate such blatently bad behaviour.  

Tune in same time, same channel to witness Davina's fate....  

Don't touch that dial!!!!

PART FOUR

You see, Davina has become bitter and twisted over the years:

 She has always aimed to be a Star, but time was running out for her.

In the past, she had been a sensation on screen and stage

 And worked with many of the Greats.

 And was a regular starlet on all the iconic Bond films.  She had regularly been seen out with Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton and Daniel Craig.  All in the most smartest restaurants.



But that was then, and this is now, she's resorted to clinging onto the X Factor semi-finals, which she'll never get through in a month of Sundays!

So I'm expecting her to demand carnal and unholy favours, amongst other things, from me.  And this time it has to be a flat No.  I've gone gay anyway!

But to the contrary, Davina would come in from Simon's Boot Camp, and plonk herself down on the sofa.  Not saying a single word.  

 Completely neglecting that poor (nit-ridden) Son of her's.

 Luckily, the Slaggs and Mary gave the boy love and attention.  So did I sometimes (but not getting too close!)

And the trouble didn't take too long to start - in the form of Basil de Farmer.

Especially as his wife had just shown him the door - quite literally.








And him always having the eye for Davina in the old days, it was an accident waiting to happen.
But why did they have to find each other again across a crowded room?  And in front of Marjorie too?

What will happen with the star-crossed lovers?  It can only be evil deeds!

Tune in same time, same channel for the next explosive installment.

Don't touch that dial!!!

PART THREE

I can't help but be rude to cousin Davina and her nit-ridden son:

"Are you coming to stay, Davina?  Or are you moving in - again?"
"Paul!", Marjorie hissed. 

 Although there was no love lost between her cousin and herself, one must never be rude in polite society.  

In fairness, Davina gave back as good as she got:

 "Still screwing that saggy maid, is he, Marje?", she retorted.

 There was an awkward silence:  
"More cake, Madam?", Mary coughed

"er - yes, please", Marjorie muttered.  

Davina merely laughed with satisfaction:

"Yes, Mary.  You'd better show us to our room, don't you think?"

"Whore", mumbled Mary 





You see, it all started when we were back at the old  place and Marjorie was out at some shindig or other at a neighbouring estate:

As was usual, I was left looking after our little Lavinia. 

And Davina came into the room and took me roughly across the bed:

 It was brutal and loveless, and I felt used and sore.  
But she just laughed:

"Well, little Paul, that wasn't half bad!  Now, any noise out of you, and we'll go running to cousin Marjorie, won't we.  So stop snivelling!"  

 You see, the thing is, despite Marjorie out doing the same sort of thing herself - swinging from a chandelier and all that - if she knew I'd had physical relations with her reviled cousin, our marriage would be over.  She would have thrown me out of our illustrious estate before the baliffs did.  And I would never have seen my darling Lavinia grow up!

 So there you are, you see.  One is up Shit street without a paddle!  The woman can do what she likes with me!  Oh God help me!

Is our hero really flumoxed by this stupid woman?  Surely he's taken on worse than Davina?

Don't miss the next gripping installment, same time, same channel.  Don't touch that dial!!!