Life with the Amanda Ann Family part Four

This morning I woke up next to my wife, as it should be, but I know it didn't start out that way...

Why is this damned house so full of people?

 Mary and Lord Posh are sleeping on our living room floor, spent from a night of violent love-making


Leaving Mrs Slagg to take over Mary's duties, (with some difficulty)

  Consequently, morning tea is late:

Just when I needed it most....

There is someone else in this house too.  Sleeping upstairs.  But I don't want to think about them ...

I go to the (new) conservatory with my cold tea and ponder about the night before.

 Was that really me with that beautiful creature last night?  Helplessly lost in ecstacy?  Surely I dreamt such a thing

 Yet, if it was, how can I still smell her skin?  And taste her lips?

And whatever will I say to her now?

And surely no-one can be that beautiful, that stunning, that exciting?  No.  It must have been a dream. Krista.  I tremble at her name. 

Meanwhile, Marjorie, about to go through the same gates herself, was disturbed by the intense noise from upstairs.  The sheer animal pleasure rankles her.  

Especially once she recognises that it's her boring  old husband!

Hamish stupidly overplayed his hand.
"Och, Hen!  I didn't know your old man had it in him!"

Earning him a swift kick in the bollocks from Marjory!

"Jings!", he cried.

Marjorie threw him out on his ear.  She would explain 

what happened when Lavinia returned from Christian camp.  (An edited version)

Krista calls after me as I come down the stairs.  My insides turn to jelly.  

"Paul", her voice makes me light-headed, "Why do you not look at me?"

"I don't know what you're talking about", I say stiffly

"Last night was the same for you, as it was for me, Paul.  I know it was. We've fallen in love, haven't we"

"Don't forget your bag," I tell her stiffly, "And thank you so much for coming.  Now I must get back to my wife!"

She stifles a sob, and runs through the door.  Pain and agony wet in her blue eyes.  My own eyes fill up - probably damn hayfever!

There are to be no more visitors, or overnight guests.  Today and every day, I just want to be left alone.  I do not want glimpses into a life I can't have.  I do not want to see into a future that cannot be mine.
 
"Oh Krista!"  Someone cries, before I realise it was me.


Don't miss episode five of this family in turmoil.

Tune in same time, same channel!!!

Episode Three of Series Three

Hamish had really got his feet under the table (or Lavinia's bed really).  The young Scotsman cackled smugly:

 "Snaffle!  Snaffle!  Och!  I've really landed on me feet here!  Lovely young bride, Go-er for a ma-in-law, nice hoose!  Nae money but never mind, this will do until something better turns up..."  

 Unfortunately for the young scoundrel, Lord Posh heard every word.......


















Immediately, he runs and tells the young Lavinia the Caledonian's awful words:

 The young nymph laughs:  "Why, Poshie!  You're not jealous, are you?  (titter)"
"'pon my soul, you young filly!  Of course not! But you must heed my warning about that so-called fiancee of yours!"

His patience at an ebb with the young doe, he seeks out Mary for consolation (and tells her not to put the cake in the washing machine!)

 Despite her mocking of the old family friend's warnings, Lavinia starts to have serious doubts about Hamish.  How come he's moved into her bed - without her?  How come he spends so much time with Mama?

 Meanwhile, at Marjorie's piano recital that evening, Lord Posh brings his new filly, Krista.  A corker of a girl from Sweden.

Marjorie leaves the room to "tuck Hamish in bed", at least that's what I thought she said.

And Lord Posh excused himself for a "drink of water" in the spare room with Mary.  He'd be gone for hours.  

 My God, that man was a machine!

Which was all well and good, but it left me stuck with this Scandanavian creature here.  I mean, don't get me wrong, she was a pleasant enough lady but.....

Who was actually starting to get very friendly indeed!

You're barking up the wrong tree there, Love!  (I mean, bless her!)

However, a few moments later:

??

Or is she????   Lumme!!!

Is Paul attracted to women?  Again?  Will Lavinia ever heed Lord Posh's words?  Has Marjorie tucked in Hamish?  

Don't miss Episode Four.  Same time.  Same Channel ..   Do not touch that dial! 

 

Episode Two. Series Three

One now has wallpaper....

 ...but I mean, look at the state of it!  Who was this workman?

 Meanwhile, Mary is finding the new power shower hard to come to terms with.  I suppose it's understandable after growing up with a pail of water in a freezing scullery. 
I've a suspicion she hankers after it still.  

And there are still things in the state-of-the-art kitchen the girl just cannot get to grips with.

Meanwhile, I was ignoring Lavinia's bible-bashing boyfriend, Hamish, (the actor unfortunately had to be re-cast).  

 

who appeared to be oggling my wife's legs, in the last series







"Crivens, Hen!", exclaimed Hamish (for he is Scottish), "What's wrang with your auld Pa?!"

 "Oh, not sure if he's gay or not.  That sort of thing.", Lavinia yawned.

 "Jings!  Me auld man wis jest the same!  Until Ma beat it out of him, you ken?"

"Mind you", Hamish added, "I can't see your auld lady doing that!"

"Only if he took her Gin away", Lav giggled,

"Now come to bed"
"Naw, lassie.  I'm away to me bible"
And he gently closed the door.

Meanwhile, I explained my misgivings to Lord Posh

   About my suspicions with this bible chap and Marjorie.
He was quite unhelpful.  Didn't all wives sleep with other people then?  His did.  Anyway, he had his mind on other things, mainly, Mary over our new kitchen sink. 

  Impatient to give Mary a good seeing-to, he tossed me his toasting fork to "give the blighter what for!"
I don't know why I bothered! 

 Then the next morning, there appeared to be the most extraordinary animal noises coming from upstairs.  Our bedroom, in fact!

I bounded up those stairs, determined to confront them once and for all!

 "What the blazes is going on
here?!", I demanded throwing our new door open

 

"Phew!  This pilates lark is exhausting, Mr A!"

Hamish puffed.

Well, I spluttered like a fool, as Hamish explained his concern about Marjorie's bad knee, that he happened to notice one evening.  (So that would explain it!)  

 

I crept back downstairs, and sheepishly read my paper

 

 

 "Now, Mrs A", Hamish pronounced once they were alone, "for the last part of our daily fitness regime!"

"My favourite bit!", giggled Marjorie

"'pon my word," I said to Mary at cake time, as the ceiling shook, "That particular exercise must be very strenuous indeed!"

But why did Mary giggle like that?

 "And what bad knee!"

Will Paul discover the truth about the awful Hamish?  Will he confound the young Scot by reporting him to Vicar college?

Tune in same time, same channel.  Don't touch that dial!

  

 

Series Three of The Amanda Ann Family Show

 It seems one now has a bath - and lighting, such as it is

I can't see the Devil of the point of the thing:

  

 And as for that shower chappie over there.  

 It seems old Lav is the only one who can get in there

 Marjorie finally agreed to the sitting room cum parlour be moved to the ground floor.  
Meaning our bedroom relocating to it's rightful place, instead of being stuck up in that attic

 Poor Mary is intimidated by our state-of-the-art Aga.  £800 that cost, and she won't go near the thing

 
In fact, Mary's baffled by her new kitchen altogether!

 She yearns for the dodgy gas oven and ramshackle cupboards of our old dwelling.  

And now, the cracks are really beginning to show:

 Quite literally.  I mean look at this am-dram workmanship!

But there are other things too.  I mean, Marjorie's horrified that we have the dining table in the parlour (until we get the conservatory).  But I seem to be the only one that eats at it!

  And even then, it's only fucking cake!

 Marjorie has her meals brought up to her (in a glass)

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 And although Lavinia uses the excuse that she is between eating disorders at present:

 I know full well she sneaks out at night and get bloody burger and chips!

 The greedy little mare!     She could offer me some!

That's when she's not hours on the telephone to that wretched I've-swallowed-a-bible boyfriend (who I now don't like!)

 And Marjorie, who relocated her music room up in the attic, has got to stop necking bottles and think about getting some new pupils in!  Holidays are ending soon!

Am I the only one pulling my weight around this house?  

I'm sorry to sound so seedy today, but I've stopped watching television and having relations with blokes next door.  I work my arse off doing Stand-up in poxy Sydenham Green or wherever!  You'd just think I'd get a bit of support!!!

  
" I'm off up the pub!  Last one to get a round in is a poof!  Whoops!"



Is Plastic Paul having a meltdown?  
(Get it?  Plastic?  Melt?  Oh please yourselves!)  Will he get in the last round?  


Tune in.  Same time.  Same channel!
    
for indepth interviews with the stars of Amanda Ann - click here