The Amanda Ann Family Show Summer Special 2015

What ho, everyone!  Jolly good summer holiday? Me too.  Marjorie in St Tropez, and me on old home ground.   This is the best holiday we've ever had!

What with Mary on maternity leave (I know, I know!), we've got a super new filly to help out in the meantime

This is Marigold.

Super company, pleasant cup of tea and jolly civilised company.  We have a morning chat about her kids at university, that sort of thing...

Mr Slagg, I mean Father is also very pleased with her.  He says she's a right little darlin', and tries not to look up her skirt!  

Sadly, Mrs Slagg is not of the same opinion:

She can see that Mary cannot hold a candle next to Marigold's breezy and pleasant ways.  




Sadly, things go wrong very quickly:

Marigold's staying late one night to do the dusting, and well, I start pouring the old wine and offering her a fag and then....

the cold light of day wakes us up to our shame....

Marigold, deeply embarrassed, swears this will never happen again.  We would never mention it.  

Then bloody Mrs Slagg started ....

It was relentless.  Mrs Slagg finding all sorts of our valuables in Marigold's bag.  Marigold sobbing, no idea how they got there...

"I forgive you, Marigold", I say.  

That would flummox that valuable-planting old bag!!   I decide to nip all this in the bud, and I tackle Mrs Slagg head on!

I mentioned all sorts of things, such as retirement and being laid off.  This sort of trouble would be too much for her..etc.  Mrs Slagg soon buttoned up.

So everything was pretty much tickety boo, until....

Marigold walks in one day, pale and wan:
"Sir, Mr Amanda Ann..Paul...

We are with child."

"Whaaattt?!"

The Amanda Ann Family Show part Three and a half

Due to technical problems, such as Mary breaking the washing machine, and legal battles, such as Paul claiming damages for his hand operation, we have had to postpone the Amanda Ann's saga for a while.  

However, be assured there will be a Slaggs episode coming up to compensate.  (One I made earlier).  

Many thanks.  Please touch that dial.  

Part Two.......

Our Hero, Plastic Paul, a prime suspect for Daphne's murder.  Surely not???  Read on....

"Now look, Officer, there are things that you should know"

The young constable sighed inwardly:

That's what they all say, these murderers.  It was going to be a long night

"You see, my wife's cousin and I had a complicated relationship"

"In fact, it was brutal and twisted.  And one dreadful night when we were alone in the house.... 

She took me roughly and sordidly across my marital bed."

"I can still hear her coarse laughter as I lay there, bruised and sobbing"







"However, our very sordid union did produce a beautiful son, whom Daphne very recently handed over to me"

"So you see, Officer, I couldn't ever have killed his mother.  I couldn't do that to the boy."

The Constable began to scratch his head:
"Maybe not, Sir, but your wife could.."

"Oh no!!!!"         

Our Marjorie, a murderer?  Surely not??
Not with all that Gin....?

Tune in, same time, same channel

Don't touch that dial!!! 

The Amanda Ann Family Film Noir

Part One:

"Oh no!!!  Daphne!!!"

"Oh my Good God!  Who could have done such a terrible thing?!"

Our Hero exclaims, upon discovering the body:

"We must act quickly, Marjorie! .... Ummm Marjorie..?"







"Hic!"  The elegant Lady of the House replied:

Paul turned to his cherished daughter, Lavinia:

"For Gods sake, Lavinia!  Phone the Police - now!!"

"Oh for fuck's sake!", 
his young daughter yawned, 
"Can't I just Skype them?"








Eventually, Lavinia pulled her finger out and PC Dixon was round in hours:

Paul, trying not to notice the young constable's biceps under that stiff uniform,
greeted their saviour cordially.

"'ello, 'ello, 'ello.  What goes on 'ere then, sir?", the young gun demanded.

"Well, officer, we entered the drawing room for a fag, and there was my wife's cousin on the floor, dead as a dodo! Isn't that right, Marjorie?"

"The bitch had it coming", his wife of many (bitter) years slurred...

"For Gods sake, Marjorie!", our hero spluttered, then laughed nervously:

"Of course," Paul covers up very quickly, "The murderer must obviously be Basil (the bastard).  

He felt hemmed in by Daphne, his grasping and needy lover.  It was the only way out."

"We'll be the judge of that, Sir.  Although, in fact, it's you we want to talk to."

"What???  No!!!!"

Our Plastic Paul, a murderer??  Surely not??
Even if she did get on his tits something rotten?!

Tune in, same time, same channel for the next gripping instalment!!

Don't touch that dial!!!

The Amanda Ann Family Show Christmas Special

Christmas is upon us once again, as we enjoy a sumptuous lunch.

It all being a rather quieter affair this year.  Lord Posh popping round later, and The Slaggs away on their honeymoon:

The old fool said "yes" at last.  (Chuckle)
 

Marjorie, naturally, was dissatisfied at her generous array of presents:

 After all the trouble and expense one went to!

And there's Lavinia sneering at her state-of-the-art gifts.  A great asset for this "media" studies course she insists on doing.  

Mary, continually dissatisfied with her Christmas box, simply helped herself to the credit card and got her own. 

Fortunately for her, we turned a "blind eye", what with a severe shortage of staff, and the fact that she only purchased cake mixes.  

The one shining light was that it was nit-boy's - I mean, Alfie's first Christmas with us.  And the first time he has received proper gifts, and not dragged around gin palaces.   It brought me great cheer to see toys in the house again. 

However, despite the opulent cheer, a shadow fell over me.  

Since the "scandal", it is likely that the BBC may axe my show.  Axe me, in fact.  

It was but a mere "slip up", however, word got out.  Thanks to bloody Bella, who was not all she seemed!

Turned out the cow wasn't an Eastern European cleaning cars in Tesco car park.  Nor a part-time scrubber.  She was Bella Banque-Smith from a national daily, sniffing out a story.  



Upon discovery, we turned her over to Mrs   Slagg for a good "leathering".  As a gesture of goodwill, we have sent a Christmas hamper to her in hospital.  

But the damage has been done.  We have been exposed by the media.  I broach this with my dear wife:

"Oh, that's alright, my dear.  As long as we're together as a family.  That's all that counts."

I couldn't believe my beautiful wife's loyal response to returning to poverty after enjoying riches again for such a short time. 

"Really, my love?", I breathed, my heart thumping.





"No!!  You stupid sap! You know me by now, 
 Paul!  Now give me more fucking presents!"

God! That woman could be shallow sometimes!

Now the Christmas party has fallen into slight disarray, we say Merry Christmas from the Amanda-Ann's!

PART EIGHT

At first, it wasn't easy for any of us.  I was so stunned that someone so vile could give me something so precious.
Marjorie was just simply stunned.

Traumatised by the Nit Nurse (who gave him the thumbs up!), Alfie would sob on his bed for hours.

 And I knew the little tyke was secretly skyping his mother!

 Despite Lavinia's encouragement that her half-brother live with us, there was little she could do to welcome him.  What with taking GCSE's and all that - (at least that's what I think she's doing!)

 Natch, Marjorie did very little to help the difficult situation:
"Got rid of one brat, now lumbered with another!  He's not getting a penny you know!"

"Don't mind Marjorie", I assure the boy, "She's soft as shite.  Just don't hide the Gin and you'll be fine."







However, on his ninth birthday, when we bought him a shower, things started to thaw:

"Now I know you really love me!", he squealed excitedly as he started to strip off.

So now there's someone permanently in our spare room.....

 And the damndest thing is, I don't even mind!  

 Well, family complete and all that, I think we're wrapped up for now.  Tune in soon to Paul's Passions where a really juicy scandal shakes the Amanda Ann's to it's bones!

There's also action shortly from our Slaggs!

You may now touch that dial!!!  (But not for long!)

Toodle pip!

PART SEVEN

"But...", spluttered Marjorie, breaking the life-changing silence, "You said he was Louis Walsh's!"

 "Hah!," Davina spat, "And the poor sap fell for it too!  But now I've spent all the hush money, I can stop pretending!"

"Davina!  You are a liar!", I croaked, not daring to look at Marjorie's stricken face.

 "Just take a look at him, Paul baby!"

And oh Good God, yes, a bit fatter maybe, but I saw myself looking back at me.  The spit of when I was his age, miserably enduring boarding school!

"You and my husband begat a child?!", Marjorie rang for more Gin.
"You bet, Marjie.  Good, wasn't it, Paul?"
"No", I replied coldly, "it was sad and joyless, Davina.  However, I'm very glad you kept my child.  And I'd like to offer him a home here (after we've been to the nit nurse)."

 "It's a deal, cuz!  Something to remember me by, huh?"
Then her eyes lost their hardness, and her voice softened:
"Look after my lil boy, okay?  I've had him for nine years, you can have the other nine"
"I will, Davina.", I replied solomnly, my own voice breaking.

Can Paul really make a go of having a natural son?  Will he really learn to love nit boy - I mean, Alfie?  And will Marjorie eventually forgive Paul's indiscretion?  

Tune in same time, same channel.....

Don't touch that dial!!!!