"You know, you're really asking for trouble", I told Davina, one quiet and dusty afternoon, "Marjorie sees you with Basil (the bastard), she'll have you out on your ear!"
"Then we'll leave together, eh? Little Cuz! Once I spill the beans about us !"
"There is no "US", Davina!", I tried to implore her.
But she was getting ready to meet Basil, and my words fell on stony ground.
Meanwhile, Lavinia encountered a visitor:
She was not best pleased:
"What are you doing in my room, you horrid boy?! Bugger off!"
"Where did you put my ball?", he asked
"Oh - that. Threw it in the river! It was rough and common!"
To Lavinia's shock and surprise, Alfie threw himself on her bed in tears.
"What are you crying about, you stupid little oik? You must have other toys?!"
He shook his head miserably. The ball was all he had. His mother never gave him anything.
Lavinia, her own eyes moistening, lay down with her young cousin, and they talked about how Alfie was dragged across auditions and theatres, never stopping long enough to see a nit doctor.
But meanwhile, Marjorie finds a very different couple in bed:
Something she'd known about, yet didn't want to know about...
And now she had to.....
This must surely be curtains for Davina now. Even Marjorie could not tolerate such blatently bad behaviour.
Tune in same time, same channel to witness Davina's fate....
Don't touch that dial!!!!
You see, Davina has become bitter and twisted over the years:
She has always aimed to be a Star, but time was running out for her.
In the past, she had been a sensation on screen and stage
And worked with many of the Greats.
And was a regular starlet on all the iconic Bond films. She had regularly been seen out with Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton and Daniel Craig. All in the most smartest restaurants.
But that was then, and this is now, she's resorted to clinging onto the X Factor semi-finals, which she'll never get through in a month of Sundays!
So I'm expecting her to demand carnal and unholy favours, amongst other things, from me. And this time it has to be a flat No. I've gone gay anyway!
But to the contrary, Davina would come in from Simon's Boot Camp, and plonk herself down on the sofa. Not saying a single word.
Completely neglecting that poor (nit-ridden) Son of her's.
Luckily, the Slaggs and Mary gave the boy love and attention. So did I sometimes (but not getting too close!)
And the trouble didn't take too long to start - in the form of Basil de Farmer.
Especially as his wife had just shown him the door - quite literally.
And him always having the eye for Davina in the old days, it was an accident waiting to happen.
But why did they have to find each other again across a crowded room? And in front of Marjorie too?
What will happen with the star-crossed lovers? It can only be evil deeds!
Tune in same time, same channel for the next explosive installment.
Don't touch that dial!!!
I can't help but be rude to cousin Davina and her nit-ridden son:
"Are you coming to stay, Davina? Or are you moving in - again?"
"Paul!", Marjorie hissed.
Although there was no love lost between her cousin and herself, one must never be rude in polite society.
In fairness, Davina gave back as good as she got:
"Still screwing that saggy maid, is he, Marje?", she retorted.
There was an awkward silence:
"More cake, Madam?", Mary coughed
"er - yes, please", Marjorie muttered.
Davina merely laughed with satisfaction:
"Yes, Mary. You'd better show us to our room, don't you think?"
"Whore", mumbled Mary
You see, it all started when we were back at the old place and Marjorie was out at some shindig or other at a neighbouring estate:
As was usual, I was left looking after our little Lavinia.
And Davina came into the room and took me roughly across the bed:
It was brutal and loveless, and I felt used and sore.
But she just laughed:
"Well, little Paul, that wasn't half bad! Now, any noise out of you, and we'll go running to cousin Marjorie, won't we. So stop snivelling!"
You see, the thing is, despite Marjorie out doing the same sort of thing herself - swinging from a chandelier and all that - if she knew I'd had physical relations with her reviled cousin, our marriage would be over. She would have thrown me out of our illustrious estate before the baliffs did. And I would never have seen my darling Lavinia grow up!
So there you are, you see. One is up Shit street without a paddle! The woman can do what she likes with me! Oh God help me!
Is our hero really flumoxed by this stupid woman? Surely he's taken on worse than Davina?
Don't miss the next gripping installment, same time, same channel. Don't touch that dial!!!
