Part Two:
"Oh, my love", I exclaim, "You absolutely cannot do that! All those rough and half-naked pirates!"
"And your point is...",
Marjorie grins
I did the best I could:
"No, my wife! I forbid it!"
"Well really! One doesn't expect such bad language from a Lady!
Anyway, the cow's gone overseas, and here one is, a single parent on Christmas Day. No mater figure for these poor mites."
"Where the fuck's Christmas dinner?",
My delicate Lavinia pipes up.
"Where indeed?"
"It appears Marigold has gone into labour, and Mrs Slagg is assisting with the water birth"
Eventually, Mrs Slagg enters the dining room:
"The fucking turkey's ruined, Sir, but you have a baby boy"
I am overcome:
"This is the best present of all. God Bless Everyone!"
"That's not a bloody turkey!"
Lavinia exclaims.
"Nit - I mean, Alfie. One had better telephone Pizza Hut!"
"Lord Posh enters;
with Marjorie?!"
"Congratulations, old thing! Brought your bally wife back! Crying by the docks, she was!"
"Oh Paul," Marjorie explained tearfully,
"He abandoned me once he found I had no fortune of my own!"
"Come, Marjorie", I said gently, "Let us sit round this wondrous infant, and wish everyone a Merry Christmas"
(Before the pizza delivery).
Happy Christmas from the Amanda Ann's.
Part One:
"What ho! Merry Yuletide and all that.
One is temporarily re-housed due to our latest nit infestation.
However, there are infestations that one had to take with us:
Marigold, the temporary servant, who is growing big with my child
And Marjorie has taken up with Marigold's ghastly husband. A sea faring chap whose ship never seems to sail!
So I put it to old Marje when we were finally alone.
"Do we really have to have him here at fucking Christmas, my love?"
"I mean I've got my demons too. But the mother of my child will be in the kitchen making Christmas dinner"
While Mary is in an open prison for credit card fraud, Marigold has extended her stay.
Mrs Slagg has sent her several cakes
"Oh no, Paul!" Marjorie replied, "Neither of us will be here at Christmas."
"You see, Paul, the Captain and I are running away to sea!"
"Whaat???"
Will Marjorie really abandon her dysfunctional family for a life at sea? Will Captain Haddock really satisfy the needs of a woman like Marjorie?
Or is this all a red herring? (Geddit?)
Tune in, same time, same channel for Part Two !!!
